Navigating the South as a genderqueer Christian androgyne. Trans* and neurodiverse. Educator & Spanish speaker.

The last hurrah

[Trigger warning: cissexism, abuse]

What came before:

(Snippets of) What my mother says:

“It seems like you’ve decided we’re these evil Neanderthal people who ruined you and… it’s ‘get on board or be labeled a Neanderthal, because I’ve decided this, and you’ve gotta get on board.'”

“I have no problem embracing your sexuality. I am your mother and you are a girl, and that is my reality and it’s never going to change. If you told me you were a guy, and you wanted to have a sex change operation, I guess I would have to go through that. I’m sorry if you don’t understand that; maybe if you have a child you will.”

“[Swim trunks are] anatomically developed for a boy and you’re anatomically a girl. I’m sorry if you think that means I’m some evil, dark, bad, malicious person, but it’s just how I feel. It doesn’t mean that you have to change, but it doesn’t mean that I have to change. I cannot accept boy swim trunks and I don’t think I ever will.”

“Well you think that’s different from how everyone else feels? I mean men have to wear ties. Nobody likes to wear ties.”

“If you’re planning any ‘surprises’ for the wedding, please just don’t come. I don’t agree with their conservative Baptist stuff, but they’re my family, and I don’t have much family. It’s a wedding, and it’s about them, and it’s not about me, and it’s not about you, and it’s not a time to call attention to yourself.”

“I will never understand that, honestly.”

I am planning to go on this vacation with my family this week. I am planning to go to my cousin’s wedding with them in a few weeks more. I asked my brother to have my back at least in private and he said, “Of course.”

After this, I think my parents and I may not speak for a while. I think it would be for the best.

I still have the tiniest fear that they are right, I am wrong, and that my life will fall apart by embracing who I think I am. But that comes from a lifetime of gaslighting and abuse.

Well. I won’t lie. That tiniest fear is small, but it is sheer molten terror

and a little grief

that this is what it’s come to.

Comments on: "The last hurrah" (6)

  1. I’m a lurker on your blog. I don’t think I’ve ever commented here before, but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

    I don’t know if hearing a stranger on the Internet say that your family is 100% in the wrong here will help…but if it does, know that the fear and doubt they make you feel isn’t based on anything true.

    Because it isn’t. Not even a little bit.

  2. survivingstill said:

    I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It makes me sad how she is treating you. I have dealt with many similar things and it has been so painful.

  3. […] The last hurrah […]

  4. […] those of you who have been following what’s been going on with my family (in the last five posts), you know my relationship with my family is pretty rocky and getting worse as they […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: