[Trigger warning: cissexism, abuse]
What came before:
- You were my girl child [trigger warning: abusive relationship, cissexism, binarism]
(Snippets of) What my mother says:
“It seems like you’ve decided we’re these evil Neanderthal people who ruined you and… it’s ‘get on board or be labeled a Neanderthal, because I’ve decided this, and you’ve gotta get on board.’”
“I have no problem embracing your sexuality. I am your mother and you are a girl, and that is my reality and it’s never going to change. If you told me you were a guy, and you wanted to have a sex change operation, I guess I would have to go through that. I’m sorry if you don’t understand that; maybe if you have a child you will.”
“[Swim trunks are] anatomically developed for a boy and you’re anatomically a girl. I’m sorry if you think that means I’m some evil, dark, bad, malicious person, but it’s just how I feel. It doesn’t mean that you have to change, but it doesn’t mean that I have to change. I cannot accept boy swim trunks and I don’t think I ever will.”
“Well you think that’s different from how everyone else feels? I mean men have to wear ties. Nobody likes to wear ties.”
“If you’re planning any ‘surprises’ for the wedding, please just don’t come. I don’t agree with their conservative Baptist stuff, but they’re my family, and I don’t have much family. It’s a wedding, and it’s about them, and it’s not about me, and it’s not about you, and it’s not a time to call attention to yourself.”
“I will never understand that, honestly.”
I am planning to go on this vacation with my family this week. I am planning to go to my cousin’s wedding with them in a few weeks more. I asked my brother to have my back at least in private and he said, “Of course.”
After this, I think my parents and I may not speak for a while. I think it would be for the best.
I still have the tiniest fear that they are right, I am wrong, and that my life will fall apart by embracing who I think I am. But that comes from a lifetime of gaslighting and abuse.
Well. I won’t lie. That tiniest fear is small, but it is sheer molten terror
and a little grief
that this is what it’s come to.